Flatulent Footwear and the Parts of the Brain

Story time.

A few of my coworkers know I’ve spent a better part of the last two years searching for just the right new pair of shoes for work. While I was about to say that I am usually not picky about footwear, the editorial fact checker sitting at the back of my brain slapped me hard on my medulla oblongata. “Liar,” he declared. “You’re more picky than a toddler with a plate of lima beans and caviar.” And he was right.

Store after store, website after website, month after month, I’ve been unable to find my next great pair of shoes. All the other contestants have been voted off the island. Not one pair has earned a rose.

Then the resourceful teacher that has a studio apartment on the third floor of my brain yelled at me from his balcony last night as I tried to go to sleep. He said, “What about those boots in your closet? The [brand name redacted] boots? Wear those.” I haven’t worn those boots to work because they developed a rather embarrassing trait: the right one makes a flatulent noise when I walk. And walking is part of my workday. The last thing I need is to walk around the halls of The Mailbox sounding like a cowboy from the set of Blazing Saddles. (You’re no doubt familiar with the scene of the cowboys eating baked beans around a campfire?)

“Hey! See this here,” said the resourceful teacher, indicating the occipital lobe, frontal lobe, parietal lobe, and temporal lobe. “And this?” He asked, indicating the whole cerebral cortex. “Use them. You’ll think of something.”

And you know what? I did. The answer is an insert. The boots are weak in the arch-support department anyway and are a tad on the roomy side, so I am going to spend a few dollars on nice inserts and see if that also cures the flatulence problem. Not mine, of course, but the shoe’s.

Oh, resourceful teacher, thanks for being a good neighbor! And thanks, brain, for being there when I need you. And thank you for reading. If you’d like to leave a comment about your own resourcefulness, make a suggestion for another great pair of shoes, or request a signed photo of the shoe in question, please do so below.

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